Gift Hub

Metrics of Gold and Iron

Tutor in his Dumpster, in the alley behind Wealth Bondage, where he once worked as a pick and pack specialist third class in the chill room, before being laid off six years ago, "So many speak in defense of golden chains, when their own are only iron."  Apparently Tutor had borrowed a portable television and was flipping through the channels. I have no idea how the man's mind works, if it can be said to work at all, at this point. What a tragic waste of a once promising pick and pack specialist.

Dissidents and Philanthropists

Deep truths as essential to life as oxygen from Bill Easterly in Dissidents and Philanthropists. Aid is often unwelcome and serves the colonialist-philanthropist-grantmaker's ideology and amore propre. Freedom is not only economic. Freedom also means "who decides for me" and for my family? Is it the carpet bagger? The Ford Foundation? Bill Gates? Superpacs? Who gets to decide what "Results" count in the metrics? Only what can be measured can be managed and the urge to manage, to be the manager, to be the boss is well, human, all too human. What kind of person is driven to measure and manage others?Ouch! Sorry, boss! Yes, M'am, a high capacity, high performing person, M'am. A hyperagent, M'am. Yes, M'am.I should have realized that my blog is monitored. I thought because I had not hit "post," my dissident note was still confidential and I could delete it without paying the price for insubordination. But, of course, Wealth Bondage uses keyloggers, in real time, to do dynamic management of human resources, to produce optimal Results. I had just committed a theft of services, my own brain cycles, which do belong to the Company, as I well know. My Immediate Supervisor had every right to ding the back of my head with her Harvard Class of 2011 Ring. If I keep my nose clean, I may yet rise to Morals Tutor First Class and have a flunky or two of my own. Then I will beat them, for their own good, and for my pleasure too, and that will be justice at last.

BoP Dumpster Household Consumer Feedback

"Dear Friends," I heard the Happy Tutor's booming voice echoing off the walls of his Dumpster at the Corner of Wealth and Bondage,"The excitement today around market-based solutions for addressing the problems of poverty is inescapable.”  Apparently, Tutor is on the mailing list for Monitor Inclusive Markets. Tutor went on, reading slowly from their recent From Blueprint to Scale: The Case for Philanthropy in Impact Investing, there is a "lack of sufficient absorptive capacity for capital. This means there is an imminent lack of impact investing opportunities into which large amounts of capital could be placed at investors’ required rates of return. Monitor’s conversations with numerous impact investors have confirmed that this remains a major challenge for the industry.

Tutor paused.That seems strange, doesn't it? A lack of ways to make good money off the poor at rates of return approaching those of payday loans, or subprime mortgages? Yet, the data indicates this is so!  He read on, This has also been corroborated by a recent survey of more than 50 impact investors conducted by J.P. Morgan. When asked about the most critical challenges to growth of the impact investment industry, respondents ranked “shortage of quality investment opportunities” second, right after “lack of track record of successful investments.”This shortage of opportunities is particularly acute when it comes to inclusive businesses whose activities are clearly socially beneficial to Base of the Pyramid (BoP)households, and whose work is therefore credibly part of a market-based approach to solving some of the problems of poverty. 

Phil, Tutor said, We have to stop drinking and begging and turning tricks in back allies for short money, and work on our absorptive capacity for big dollars. We know lots of poor people. Now what can we credibly sell them as part of a market based approach to solving some of the problems of poverty? They have no money, no jobs. Often no teeth. Their car, if they had one has already been repossessed. But what can we loan them sell them, extort, or steal from them that we could package into some kind of bubble investment? There are billions in capital out there that would flow to the poor if they could return 7-15% per annum! The excitement among the investing class is palpable. But how can a couple of aging grifters like us do well and do good? "Dissemination related activities," I read they hire people at Monitor for that. Mostly PR people with experience at Banks. Maybe if someone could lend us a decent suit and a pair of shoes we could apply to Monitor Inclusive Markets as Dissemination Related Activity Specialists. I wonder what a gig like that pays. If if is palpable nonsense does it pay extra if you can make it sound plausible? What is another word, Phil, for disseminate? Is it Propagate? We could be Impact Investment Propagation Specialists. But first we have to qualify for the loan to buy the shoes. I already pawned the dog. My liver is shot, but we could sell my kidney, if only the market were not saturated with cadavers from China. Speaking of cadavers, could we dig up your mother and sell the bones?

Nicholas Kristoff picks the best nonprofits

Nicholas Kristroff picks the best nonprofits, at Great Nonprofits.

Am I an Unreliable Narrator of my Own Blog!!?

After my prior postof which I am justifiably proud, I was heading up in the elevator to The Tower to meet with my generous patron, she who rules us all. Invading Richistan, I knew she was going to tell me is not a viable option. On the way up, wondering how I was going to justify myself, and whether she would fire me on the spot, I met my colleague, Dr. Amrit Chadwallah, formerly the Assistant Wealth Bondage Professor in Charge of Hidden Meanings, but now the Senior Wealth Bondage Scholar of High Sounding Nonsense, with a specialization in Spiritual Autobiography. He is currently updating the boilerplate we use in creating Gospels of Wealth for our Ex-pat Clients in Richistan. Anyway, Chadwallah, trying to show how educated he is, says to me, "Phil, are you aware that you are an Unreliable Narrator of your own blog?" "No," Chadwallah, I say, "you educated imbecile, if I was aware of being an unreliable narrator, I would not be unaware, would I? I am completely aware of how unaware I am which is more than you can say." Later, it occured to me that all blogs have unreliable narrators, much like the newscasters in the Main Stream media. My being aware of all this does me no good whatsoever. I pleaded impenetrable ignorance to my boss, Candidia, and she beat me senseless anyway. So, as to invading Richistan, let me now say for the record, speaking in propria persona, as the Wealth Bondage Philanthropy Czar, that I was just joking.

Invading Richistan for the Good of All

After work I stopped by the Dumpster at the corner of Wealth and Bondage to see how the Happy Tutor, erstwhile Dungeon Master to the Stars, is doing these days. I found him reading an old newspaper and gnawing on the bloody bone of what appeared to be a large mammal. Seeing the look of disgust on my face he said, "Just like the investment business, Phil, I eat what I kill." Then he pointed at the greasy newspaper and said, "What if the 82cnd Airborne were to invade Richistan? "Says here we could recover $21 trillion in ill gotten gains. That would be enough to rebuild our roads and bridges, pay down the national debt, send every child to college, and insure top knotch medical care for all. That is not even counting the prison labor we could extract from the inhabitants of Richistan. We could have them forge their own chains, much as you do, Phil, as Market Manager for The Wealth Bondage Private Client Philanthropic Services Group." I found that last bit insulting and unfair. Yes, I restrain myself, as I must, to serve our clients. My mind remains Free, though, I just do it for the money. You can't blame me for that. We all know better.

Why We the People are So Screwed

Why We are So Screwed?By L.Randall Wray, Professor of Economics at the University of Missouri-Kansas City in Naked Capitalism. We, laughed my boss and generous patron, she who rules us all. We? It is touching to see these dumb-ass professors of economics pissing and moaning about control fraud, and theft at the top, and the corruption of the elites. Someone, Professor, is getting screwed. You are so right. Others are being beaten, and are paying for the privilege. Others are on their knees. Welcome to Wealth Bondage, honey! It is the American Way. Where is my effing enameled effing lapel pin? Whooo-oooo! America, America, God Bless America from sea to shining sea. All the politicians salute me, Professor. Home of - this cracks me up - home of the brave. It is all about money, honey. The Free Effing Market. It is all for sale.

Getting Revolutionary Results from the Citizen Sector, An Investor's Guide to Proven Best Practices

From the commanding heights of Wealth Bondage (the utilitarian worldview held in common by business, governments of all nations, and many large NGOs), the grassroots nonprofit sector (the Citizen Sector) sprawls as an unruly, ill managed, voluntaristic hotbed of people getting things done without being managed from above by docile experts, reporting to Managers, reporting to Executives, accountable to Flows of Funds and those who control them. The nonprofit sector produces citizens (a quaint term popular as feudalism in Europe and America was upended in revolution), actively engaged in their community, learning how to manage and govern themselves. Whereas what we need more of is less personal and political liberty, fraternity, autonomy, and equality, and more freedom for employers and Masters of Business Administration, their Executive Managers, and Social Investors, to tell us what, when, how often, as well as how. We need less social contract or compact and more legally enforceable commericial contracts in all walks of life. We need less commonwealth and commonweal and common good. We need more outputs and outcomes, more units of production, commensurate with investment expended. Money Well Spent as these distinguished men say.

Everyone wants to get results. Everyone wants freedom. I would settle for a good job and a good boss, wouldn't you? Then maybe someday I can be the boss, or at least a strategic grantmaker, and others will have to kiss my boots. That is justice enough for me. I guess I can't blame my boss and generous patron for being sadistic, when I would just love to revenge myself some day too. "I want results!" God, I would love to bellow that down the hall someday myself, as I stride through with my clipboard and stopwatch. Start every day with jumping jacks while I call the cadence. That is freedom. Yes, clothes are allowed, if I say so. Our investors will be consulted in the viewing area behind the peephole. I will let you know what the dress code will be for my supervisory inspections. What fun. Mary, chin up! Back straight! Show me some enthusiasm. Ah, if only. For now I must truckle and whinge. Tommorrow, I will be the master of minions, if only I am a good enough minion myself.

Libertarians in Wealth Bondage Freedom Cubes

At Crooked Timber, a thoughtful and deep discussion of libertarianism as a defense of corporate tryants in the work place. So much freedom for my boss and generous patron, she who rules us all, and so little for me. Yet, I have freely chosen to wear her collar. I don't have to work in Wealth Bondage, I could choose to live in the Dumpster with my mentor, The Happy Tutor. And service to Mistress Candidia gives me the greatest joy. Let It Bleed - Libertarianism and the Workplace. Were I free of her surveillance and control, from her disciplines and punishments, from what she calls her "incentives," I would not know what to do, who I am, what to think, or what life is for. I grew up this way. Some call it abuse. I call it, Moma! I wonder if all libertarians were abused as children? Maybe not. They may just never have worked for my boss. It would take a special person to defend corporate freedom after what I go through daily. Yet, in return all I ask is the chance to fawn. Seldom is the privilige granted. You have to earn it, she says, teasing me with her boot tip. Only then will I be truly free. Freedom is perfect service.

Charity Burnout

Experinced major gift officer, Jim Shaffer, blogs on Charity Burnout. I am sure he is not alone.