The Wealthy Give Modestly

Spend outrageously, give modestly, says my esteemed patron and personal role model, she who rules us all and rightly so. She says, Phil, Sweetie, this is a f...king Horation balance thing. Balance excess and modesty. Too much on the one hand and too little on the other. It is a happy f...king medium. On balance, I give and spend just right! To which I thought fit to respond, Yes, Mistress! As a Homme de Confiance and Morals Tutor to America's Highest Capacity Families, I have learned to err on the side of keeping my mouth shut, except to express platitudes, and selectively so at that. What I have learned on site visits to homeless shelters will keep me out of one, hopefully. (I was visiting a shelter recently with a $50 gift card to the Wealth Bondage Theme Park. My instructions were to bestow the card on a "deserving poor person." I recognized this for the test it really was and returned with the card. I could not find a deserving poor person. So, Candy, my patron, repossessed the card, tipped me 50 cents, and told me I was a good boy with a bright future ahead of me if I just minded my Ps and Qs and imitate her example in life. Remember to be virtuous and work hard!)