Usually, it is Tutor who finds himself locked in his cell, for insubordination, or some kind of misbehavior. Today, it was Tess who barred herself in her room, to duel long distance with George Soros over who would break the Central Bank of Brazil. This left Tutor free to roam the Castle, and at midnight to arrange a secret and forbidden feast of blueberry pancakes for Audrey. He whipped up ten large ones for her, and five for him, as she sat swinging her feet, in her footed pajamas, at the kitchen counter, long past her official bedtime. So, there she soon sat, before a pile of ten, large pancakes, more than any child should eat, particularly with butter and real maple syrup. Just before giving her the fork, Tutor attempts a "teachable moment."
Tutor: "That is a lot of pancakes!"
Audrey: "Give me the fork!"
Audrey: "Please! Give me it!"
Tutor: "You know Momma has not eaten one thing today; she was locked in her room conquering Brazil."
Audrey: "Give it to me!"
Tutor: "Do you think Momma would like some pancakes? When she gets hungry tonight? Should we maybe save some for her?"
Audrey: "Pancakes are not good for Momma! They rot her teeth! Pancakes make Momma hyper!"
Tutor: "Maybe one?"
Audrey: "But they are my pancakes!"
Tutor: "Momma is big, you are small. What would be fair?"
Audrey: "Equal? Five? But they might make Momma sick!"
Tutor: "She has five then, I have five, you have five?"
Audrey: "So I have to share and you don't? If I have to share, you have to share!"
And so it went down. Now at 2 am Tutor is just finishing cleaning up. In wanders Momma, $1 b up for the day, and with a moment for a bedtime snack.
Momma: "Funny, I thought I smelled pancakes....."
Tutor: "Impossible, Madame, pancakes as you know are forbidden. Empty calories. Bad for her teeth. Makes her hyper."
Momma: "Do not lie to my face, Tutor, or it will be back to the Dungeon forever!"
Tutor: "Well, Madame, pursuant to my official duties, as Morals Tutor for the Future Queen, I saw fit to mingle the "sweet with the instructive," as Horace says we must, in his Ars Poetica, as you well know...."
Momma: "Cut the crap."
Tutor: "Fifteen pancakes were made."
Momma: "They were made? You made them, you mean."
Tutor: "I made fifteen, took five as my Comprehensive Cook and Trustee Fee, and gave Audrey ten."
Momma: "My God!"
Tutor: "And we discussed fairness. How much is enough for a child."
Momma: "Or for you."
Tutor: "Yes, your highness. But as you well know, moderation is the soul of virtue. Audrey felt it would not be right to give you any pancakes at all since you might develop a taste for them, gain weight, rot your teeth, become hyperactive, and maybe even get diabetes."
Momma: "So you and Audrey pigged them all down?"
Momma, hungry, opens the refrigerator door, and there are seven and one half large pancakes covered neatly with Saran Wrap.
Tutor: "Half of hers and half of mine. We thought that would be fair, if it please Your Ladyship."
Momma: "It is hard to reprimand you properly, Tutor, with my mouth full of pancakes, but insubordination must not be tolerated. It is not just the pancakes, it is that you went behind my back to disobey a direct order. (These are quite good by the way. The blueberries do make all the difference. Pass the syrup, please.) You are confined to quarters until further notice. Get out of my sight!"
And so it goes in the Castle. Master Jack the next morning reinforces with Momma that she made a wise decision. Audrey is already a wild child. Tutor sets an atrocious example. Pancakes are only the beginning. A firm hand with Tutor! He is a Force of Disorder. And Audrey could go either way without Wise Counsel, which is by the way included in Master Jack's Comprehensive Trustee fee at no extra charge.