Gift Hub

Lost Enough to Find Yourself?

The crossroads are where Oedipus slew his father; where in Athens the pharmakos was burned as a human sacrifice to purify the sick society; where Hermes the Divine Trickster, he of the two faces, stood his erect cock pointing the wrong road to travelers; and where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil to learn to play the blues guitar.  Two roads both crooked, one rising into the woods to a ruined house, the other going you don't know where:  Here at the crossroads you have a guide who has at heart only your getting lost. 

The Silent Laughter of the Tomb (On Good Manners in Philanthropy)

Good manners divides social space into "the acceptable" and the "unacceptable." What is unacceptable may, or even must, be done, but must not be discussed. It must be done, if it be done, in secret. What must be done in secret and not discussed includes the lower bodily functions, such as defecation, burping, micturation, and copulation. In the body politic necessary but unmentionable functions include reintegration of enormous drug profits into the legitimate economy. Also necesssary but unmentionable, or at least permitted if done in secret and not discovered, are fraud, cronyism, injustice, lawslessness, and self-dealing in high places. Where light and dark sides come together are in Wealth Bondage, in a place like Skull and Bones, where those in charge meet like pirates running the ship of state to privatize (aggrandize to themselves) public goods. Where also light and dark meet is in the long and honorable tradition of the Fool - the king's mini-me, a comedic, strutting, piratical captain of the ship of fools, with an enameled stars and stripes on one lapel and an enameled Jolly Roger on the other. In philanthropy, as well mannered as we are, we deal only in the light. And the dark delights itself behind the veil our blindness perpetuates.  So, we must turn the world inside out, before we can turn it upside down.   The change that begins with us is foolishness, mad, obscene, boisterous, not unlike the parties held in the Tombs of Wealth Bondage by our betters raising a skull in a toast to our confusion.  "Here is to all the fools who let us get away with this!" Who, then, is the greater fool? The knave in the tombs laughing at us? Or we prancing about dressed as a motley King, and laughing back? Well, less said the better, I guess. Mum's the word. What happens in Wealth Bondage stays in Wealth Bondage. If anyone asks, deny Wealth Bondage even exists. Act serious and ever so moral and the duped public will never know what pirates they have put in charge of their most precious heritage.  "To good manners and all it must not mention!" 

HeteroTextuality on the Margins of Philanthropy

I don't want to take anything away from Phil Cubeta, the Master of Revels here. He is the kind of middle brow straightman that Candidia always picks to act as her feckless flunky and foil. Behind his back she calls him "totally pathetic," and who am I to disagree with she who rules us all. What I do want to protest, though, is my being confined to this Blue Box which always already circumscribes (i.e., from the Latin to "inscribe around") my discourse, reducing its credibility and putting all I write under suspicion, in my case totally undeserved, given my lifelong pursuit of excellence.  I would also like to point out in my official capacity as Senior Wealth Bondage Fellow in Charge of Hermeneutics with special reference to Hidden Meanings, is that these Blue Boxes produce a kind hernia or involution or rupture in  the sensitive membranes of our shared textuality. It both limns and violates what - yes, following Derrida - I can only call the Hymen separating Gifthub from Wealth Bondage, or Philanthropy in General, from Wealth Systems in General! That being said, I do not find this particular aporia stimulating or productive. No jouissance to speak of, really. It is all a bit too labored. You call call it post-post-modern if you wish, but it strikes me as Ancient, in fact a throw back to Menippius himself, the Cynic poet who work descends to us via Seneca the Younger, Diogenes, Sterne, Swift, and Wilde, to name a few. Beyond that, beyond the whole question of Origins (and Origin-ality) this Blue Box forces into the foreground the whole question of Authorial Intent.  Phil is not "inside the Blue Box," nor is the content here subject to his control. I kiss no one's hand and fawn upon no man, least of all Phil. Thus, what is inside the box exceeds the boundaries of the text that is Gifthub, both inside it and outside it, thereby producing its own heteroglossollalia, if I may be permitted to coin that striking term.  Who then will stop the endless play of signifiers set in motion by the Blue Box? What Author Function will wrap all within the Horizon of His/Her/Its Intentionality? Beats me, really. You know what this is like, Tom, it is as if you were reading along in Finnegans Wake and all of a sudden you stumble on a biographical write up on Richard Ellman, Joyce's profound critic, but one who would not write about Joyce until many years later. Now, if Joyce had quoted (proleptically, to be sure) his unborn critic, and had included that quotation inside some kind of Blue Box, would that tend to still the free play of the Signifier, or only make its motions ever more catastrophic to our readerly readings of that writerly text, if you know what I mean? (c.f., Roland Barthes).    Anyway, as I averred above, it beats me. I hope others will devote their life to this mystery. I have my hands full deciphering the chatter coming in through the phone tap on Gunderson. I am supposed to frame him for the Valerie Plame deal and get him to Gitmo after the hit men on the Freedom Team cut off his clothes, give him a drugged enema, and throw him in chains onto a plane bound for Cuba.  So far, all I have on him is a bunch of  repetititive verbiage about Vision in Philanthropy. But he sounds guilty.  What the hell, under torture, I am sure he will confess to something. I think I will just doctor the evidence and be done with it. The trial will be secret. It will never come back to bite me. I get paid by the job. Every prisoner in the Freedom Gulag raises the stock price of Wealth Bondage Prisons International by $500,000 and I get options. So, Gunderson, kiss Council on Foundations goodbye. - Dr. Amrit Chadwallah, Adjunct in Charge of Forensic Hermeneutics in Wealth Bondage

Ignore the Blue Box

Just a word, if I may, on a new editorial convention: the Blue Box. For some time now I have been under considerable economic strain. Gifthub has still to reach a breakeven. My personal finances are a shambles. I had one of those subprime loans and they are taking my house.  The repo man from KIVA Micro-Finance has just repossesed my car.  My wife left me and took the kids back to her mother's trailer. The Dumpster thing is no longer a joke. Anyway, my generous patron, Candidia Cruikshanks, CEO of our esteemed sponsor, Wealth Bondage, has been trying to take advantage of my straightened circumstances to get me to  add little advertorials, editorial "Words of Wisdom from Candidia,"  and product placements for Wealth Bondage. As a man of integrity, I said, "No, absolutely not! My reader expect the straight story, not some bs from Wealth Bondage." Well, she pulled my funding, and after sleeping on it, we worked out what I think you will agree is an honorable solution. I will indeed include Wealth Bondage advertorials, and product placements, as well as whatever wisdom Candidia may provide,  inset into Gifthub, but will clearly mark them as such. Hence the Blue Box.

Insert Wealth Bondage Textuality Here

Whenever you see a Blue Box you will know that the content is ported over from my generous patron and esteemed funder. I do not speak for her and she does not speak for me.  You can judge that content for yourself, much as you would an advertisement on tv. Or you may choose not to read this content in the Blue Box. It is up to you as an informed consumer of Wealth Bondage and its anti-type Giftub. Above all, you will know that anything that is not in a Blue Box is pure me. Totally honest. No fakery. No trickery. No tainted content. Nothing Carnivalesque. No dialogism. No Mennipean satire. Just me, in propria persona:  earnest, direct, plainspoken, moderate, well informed, decorous, businesslike, sane, and balanced, like, for example, The NY Times, Philanthromedia, Give and Take or Steve Gunderson. 

Now, I know from your calls and letters that some readers are offended by the admixture of Dominance and Submission themes in a blog about Wealthy Donors and those who seek Donations, whether or not on their knees.  Whereas Wealth Bondage is, I am told, a disgusting farrago of sexuality, textuality, expose, unwlecome truth-telling and satire, Gifthub is and should remain a moderate and reliable source of objective news on the giving front within the accepted conventions of prime time media.  Gifthub is for a family audience. It should remain inoffensive and wholesome as befits the topic of philanthropy. I totally agree. I believe that the Blue Box should solve your problem and mine too. I get continued funding and all you have to do is look the other way, as you look the other way when ads come on, or when you pass a homeless person on the street, or the newscaster lies in your face, or a presidential spokesperson lies to you, or when your family and friends begin to disappear from the street, all in the name of Freedom. If you can look past all that, Friends, you can ignore whatever Wealth Bondage provides inside the Blue Box.

Seriously, in real life, in a real tv show, or in entertainment, there is no firewall between the sponsors, the funders, the writers, performers, and the stringpullers. Wealth Bondage content and product placement and war footage and think tank thinkers are festooned throughout the prime time news. You even see little Cans of Wealth Bondage Lite in scenes from Sex and the City, placed there by the Wealth Bondage advertising firm.  At Gifthub, I flatly refuse to sell out.  All Wealth Bondage content is quarantined inside the Blue  Box where it can safely be ignored. At no point is the main text outside the Blue Box tainted by Wealth Bondage ownership and editorial control.  I am pure. You are pure. All we have to do, you and I, is to totally ignore any post inside the Blue Box. How cool is that?

Citizens Choose

If I were starting Gifthub all over again, I might call it, "Citizens Choose: Blogging Existential Choice in a Mad World." Whether you are a giver, or whether you consider yourself a philanthropist or not, we all have to answer these two questions. They were given to me by a Jesuit friend who asks these questions of his students:

1. What kind of person do you want to be?
2. In what kind of world?

These are the questions we will be asked by St Peter when he goes through our permanent file (via Homeland Security probably) and admits or denies our application for Eternal Life. What kind of person did you turn out to be in the end? Did you leave the world in at least as good condition as you found it?

A good answer might involve fidelity to commitments to God and Neighbor. Good answers might include a life devoted to teaching, to public service (not just being a politician), a life devoted to the arts and culture, a life devoted to nonprofit service, a career in nursing, the ministry, as fireman, soldier or cop, or a life devoted to a business enterprise that steers an honest course, taking into account stakeholders as well as stockholders. Philanthropy might come into it too. Each of us will answer for our existential choices, even if our minds were elsewhere when we made them, as we multitasked, compromised, and slid through life with divided attention. By eternal life I don't mean to prejudge the possibility of an afterlife. "Eternity," as Blake said, "is in love with the productions of time." You have enough eternity between two heart beats to make a choice that could change the verdict.

The nature of the second question is that we cannot leave a better world all by ourselves. We can only do so in concert with others. That gets us into the arts, the media, poetry and prophecy, into keeping alive ethical traditions, into giving in all senses, and into activism, organizing, and political action. Those are the subjects I try to treat here.

The Proper Style for Discussing Philanthropy

Speaking of Oscar Wilde, wasn't he the one who wrote, "Sincerity is of all acts the hardest to keep up"? Words to that effect, anyway. Let's ask Lady Bracknell if I may be playful or not. Well, no, she said not. I  must be Earnest. The problem is, you see,  is that I am not Earnest; I am Worthy, Jack Worthy. All I could possibly do is pretend to be Earnest. And that would be quite inauthentic.

From Sin to Salvation: My Journey from Wealth Bondage to Philanthropy

From about 1999 to 2004 I myself was in Wealth Bondage. I appreciate all of you who have collaborated with me in covering up the shameful truth for all these years. But, yes, I blush to admit it now, but I was in Wealth Bondage where I served as an apprentice to The Happy Tutor, Dungeon Master to the Stars.  In that capacity, I worked with the wealthiest people in America, the creme de la creme, pandering to their financial and other needs, all up and down Maslow's hierarchy from the need for food, drink, shelter and sex on up to the need for love, self-esteem, social status, money, and power, right on up to the need for meaning, truth, beauty, a lasting legacy, and salvation. I knew it was all about enslaving these leaders, as they have enslaved others, by playing to their egos and need for various fetishes (money, branded merchandise, honors, the illusion of immortality). I knew damn well, all hypocrisy apart, that this was all about increasing the market and mind share of Wealth Bondage, America's Favorite Company, but I needed a job, I needed the money, and I prostituted my God-given gifts to increase sales of Wealth Bondage products, services, and the overall "Wealth Bondage Experience." Yes, I did. I was a whore among whores, wallowing in my financial success, and the phenomenal growth of Wealth Bondage as it has come to dominate not only the economy, but government and the nonprofit world as well. (See Mistress Lucy for more on Social Capital Markets.)

I finally hit bottom in Wealth Bondage  on April 1 of 2004, when I was picked up by Dallas Vice Squad, as I wandered around the Galleria, naked, handing out promotional fliers for the Wealth Bondage Masquerade Ball in which the wealthiest citizens of Dallas dance with the Devil, or whomever they please, to the tune of "Amazing Grace." "God Save the Queen," or "America The Beautiful." After serving a month in solitary, I was released into the custody of my colleague and friend, Captain Blowtorch, Ride-Master for the Hogs of Heaven. Through his intercession,  I was Born Again on May 1, 2004, in the Little Church of the Pines, in Rockwall, TX.  There I accepted Jesus as my Personal Savior. I was washed in the blood of the lamb. All my sins were forgiven, going backward and also forward in time. So you can't bring up the old sins, ok? And you can't bing up the new ones either. "Once saved always saved."

When I was young and foolish I lived in Wealth Bondage, that Sodom and Gomorrah of the Free Market. Now that I have been Born Again,  I help people escape their bondage to material things and to embrace the fundamental tenets of Primitive Christianity ("Faith, Hope and Charity, and the greatest of these is charity"). To that noble end, I opened, Gifthub, in the alley out behind Wealth Bondage, in the Happy Tutor's Dumpster, which he lets me use as his contribution to the public good, not that he ever owned it anyway.  Operating like Diogenes, out of the Dumpster where Wealth Bondage abuts the Public Square, I accost passersbye, in my newfound capacity as Morals Tutor to America's Wealthiest Families, helping them find meaning and purpose in their lives through philanthropy.

I am grateful to the CEO of Wealth Bondage, Candidia Cruikshanks, for her generous support of my Charitable Initiative. Without Mistress Candidia Cruikshanks, Gifthub would not be remotely possible. Not only does Candidia provide the funding (or as she calls it the "social investment") for Gifthub, but also, as a high engagement social investor, she  provides daily, if not hourly, correction, control, and discipline. Without her money, her metrics, her oversight, and direction, I would never have managed to escape Wealth Bondage for the good of humankind. (Candidia acknowledges the assistance of  Master Holden Karnofsky, recently from her  Wealth Bondage Hedge Fund Division, who has been charged with optimizing the results of my  philanthropic production by disciplining me to adhere to strict metrics. Holden can't manage what he can't measure and has suppressed my penchant for Naked Dance, Tomfoolery, Juggling, Carnival, and Prophecy.)

Although they began as polar opposites (like God and Mammon) the synergies between Gifthub and Wealth Bondage have proven mutually beneficial (like those between God and Mammon). While Gifthub is a true nonprofit, providing Moral Instruction to America's Wealthiest Families pro bono publico, Wealth Bondage has also kept up with the times, evolving from a Bordello into a double bottom line social venture, a community of saints in which nature meets culture for profit & pleasure plus social benefit, like Ameya Preserve only more upscale and tasteful. The Wealth Bondage Scene Rooms now serve a dual purpose: They provide all the services and amenities you would normally associate with a high class Wealth Bondage Bordello (bar, legislature, casino, think tank, a madhouse, law courts, dungeons, torture cells, medical facilities, moral biography on demand, corporate style hierarchies of dominance and submission, speech writers, marketers, satanic masses, erotic rituals of production and consumption, blasphemous speeches, advertising directed at children, inversion of all that is holy, and free music and beer during Happy Hour on Wednesday night). But these same Scene Rooms now also function as scenes of instruction, and of moral rehabilitation (Wealth Holders are spanked, disciplined, subjected to medical treatments, given electroshocks, liposuction or face lifts without anesthetic, public relations make overs,  given confession from a "priest," strapped to the rack, hung by their hands from the ceiling, or bound, beaten and branded, etc.) in order to help them confess, repent and reform. All in good fun. Clients love it. Wealth Bondage is addictive. Market Forces prevail and no one goes home hungry or sober for that matter.

It was fun, and I will never forget the friends I made there, and the moral diseases we shared, but that is all behind me now. I am personally out of Wealth Bondage for good, but remain on good terms to promote synergy across the silos. In referring business to Wealth Bondage from Gifthub, I am leveraging key assets for systemic social change and creating a virtuous circle:  Wealthy clients referred into Wealth Bondage for treatment = more money to me at Gifthub via Gifts, Sponsorships, or Social Investments from Wealth Bondage  to me = More goodwill and better blogging on my part = More clients sucked into Wealth Bondage via referrals from Gifthub.  Around and around in a virtuous upward spiral until ecological and moral collapse, and the Return of Christ sometime in 2009, or soon thereafter. At which point I get Raptured and you strangle in your own spit, unless you get saved like me, by becoming my client here at Gifthub.  (I work here strictly pro bono publico. I disdain filthy lucre! To pay my generosity forward, you may toss  into the Dumpster, old tv sets, dead kittens, worn out clothing, magazines, newspapers, unread volumes of poetry or philosophy or whatever trash you have on hand by way of your contribution to a better world.)

As a socially conscious consumer of Wealth Bondage, you can also be assured that every time you hire a prostitute or other professional service provider, in Wealth Bondage 5% of of your fee goes to Gifthub. (For more on embedded giving see Mistress Lucy.) You can feel good about your next spanking, or other Private Client Service of your choice. The more time and money and attention you spend in Wealth Bondage the better and less materialistic the world will be through my efforts in the Dumpster on behalf of Christian Philanthropy contra Wealth Bondage. So be sure to visit Wealth Bondage on your way home from work.  Tell them Master Phil sent you! My Brothers-and-Sisters-in -Christ, we appreciate your business.  May God forgive us all, Fools and Knaves alike.

Moral Remedies: Jesus Saves? Satire Saves? - A Back to Back Test

Born Again? Or the Secular Cure? I have tried both, as part of my Professional Training as a Morals Tutor to America's Wealthiest Families. I can attest that the Born Again thing is quicker, cheaper, and makes you feel better fast. For purposes of expunging the record, if you have committed atrocious sins, as I have,  it works great. For real moral reform, though, there is no substitute for the Moral Rehab accomplished with Secular Means.  Yes, it hurts, but the results are lasting. When being sanctimonious is no longer enough, I am here to tell you: Satire Saves!

Glad to Be Back: Rehab Went Great

Some say my approach to the philanthropic advisory business, positioning myself as a Morals Tutor to America's Wealthiest Families, is idiosyncratic, but we are all formed by our personal experiences. I was once morally insane. I believed that philanthropy was a capital market. I believed that what matters most can be measured and managed. I saw double bottom lines, then triple, where others saw only one. I pursued wealth. I thought I was on some kind of journey from success to significance. I began to give money away.  Thank God, my friend and mentor, the Happy Tutor, Dungeon Master to the Stars, forcibly intervened. After a few weeks in rehab under his hands, I was a new man. So, since Tutor is no longer taking Private Wealth Clients, I have adapted his methods of nonconsensual morals tutorials to a more general audience.  My fellow Philanthropy Advisors! As I have benefited from Moral Rehabilitation, so I hope you and your Private Clients will as well.

Curing Philanthropy

Horace, the great Roman satirist, the most well-mannered of men, a friend of Maecenas and Emperor Augustus, suggested that poetry "should mingle the sweet and the useful," as does the nursemaid or doctor who sweetens harsh medicine with candy. I wonder if ExLax is the kind of thing he had in mind? Probably, but he was too urbane to say so. His humor is sometimes quite dry. Anyway, I hope satirizing Philanthropy will help the field be a little less constipated.