My boss, Mistress Candidia Cruikshanks, CEO of Wealth Bondage, is speaking tonight to the Adult Video Network Annual Awards Dinner in Las Vegas on "The Ten Habits of The World's Most Successful Leader," and guess who gets the last minute assignment to, as she puts it, "Wordsmith some bullshit." Here is my best shot so far.
- Always look your best, in boots, well polished, or nothing at all
- You are never be wrong
- Humiliate subordinates
- Subordinate everyone
- Embrace bad taste to increase market share
- Embrace evil to increase market share
- Embrace ignorance to increase market share
- Embrace addictive products to increase market share and lock in repeat business
- Look for synergies (casinos paired with brothels, liquor stores, pawn shops, for-profit prisons, and law and order politics)
- Clone yourself to fill all positions with offspring
When I showed my poor best efforts to Candidia, she huffed, "This list is a total fucking piece of shit. You call yourself a ghostwriter? I could get a better Highly Successful List for $5 dollars from some English as a Second Language shit head in Taiwan on Task Rabbit! You call yourself an English Major? Born in America? God all fucking mighty. Don't just stand there pissing your sailor suit, little man. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly, I am not going to break your tiny little balls. Sweetie, listen! Look at Momma! I am telling you I like your pathetic little list! Everyone will know it is bullshit. And I want every one of those whores (O Excuse me! I mean Porn Stars) to kiss my boots! God, it makes me so hot! Imagine them on their knees, praising this stupid list, slobbering all over my boots. 'I am CEO of Wealth Bondage,' I will remind them, 'are you?' And, as they tremble and debase themselves, I will remind them of the most important truth, 'No, little man, or woman, or whatever you are, you are not CEO of Wealth Bondage. And you never will be. Do you rule? No? Who does? Yes, I am the World's Most Successful Leader and you are total shit!'"
Now she wants it even worse. But we are on deadline. My brain is dead. My integrity is already shot. How can I make this list any dumber? Sorry, Mistress! I will dumb it down, Your Highness. I hear her laughter, "You are not smart enough to make it dumb enough, you moron,' and her heels clicking down the marble halls. May I someday be worthy to kiss the boots that kick me! It is so hard to love someone so beautiful and important who will never love you back.