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June 2011
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August 2011

July 2011

Recent MBA Brokers Sale of US

Recent MBA seeks position creating shared value. Prefer working for Visionary Leader who will allocate shared value to me first, at no less than $250,000 per annum plus bonus, then to people and planet, profit permitting. Prefer equity interest and many minions. Country club and company jet negotiable. Prefer organization that is too big to fail, since I tend to screw up.  - Smoky Joe, Jr.

You know and I know this is pure crap, but I got $4.35 in cash to ghostwrite it and I need the money for a bottle of bum wine. I wish the kid well. He could be President one day. The Decider. Our Leader. Dumb as a post, but full of enthusiasm. "You can't manage what you can't measure," he told me, as if vouchsafing a profound truth known only to adepts. So we agreed on five cents a word, plus a bonus up to $4.35 if the note got results. It did; he is now interning under Justice Thomas on the Supreme Court, to optimize the scale and sale of Justice under the Citizens United for Payola Act. So, I got the full payment. There is justice in this world!


My Delinquint Accounts

As the premiere morals tutor to America's Wealthiest Families, you might think business would be brisk. So much corruption in high places, as we all agree, but few, it seems place that corruption in their own hearts. I am not the best of men, but at least I know what I am - a high class prostitute providing a value added service equivalent to the sale, say, of mortgage backed securities. In any case, in reviewing my accounts receivable I notice that my few clients are slow paying and no paying. I provide services in advance and they pay based on results. So, I guess I have only myself to blame. Their stiffing me proves that they learned nothing and I deserve nothing. All I can say is that the Judge who sentenced me to 12 months community service as a morals tutor to Wall Street was a sadist. I would have done better in Rikers. What was I sentenced for? Planting the seeds of an apple I had bought. Seemed I owned the apple, but not the seeds. They belonged to Monsanto. I once, a long time ago, through no fault of my own, had a nocturnal emission. I hope Monsanto doesn't come after me for that. Maybe the statute of limitations has run.

A Little Misunderstanding at the Bank

Know your customer was once a bank mantra. Now, at least in this case, it is jail your customer first, and issue an apology later. I am sure the bank teller involved will be sanctioned as well. We can't blame the Bank for pervasive inhumanity. We are all just trying to do our jobs. I recall once shooting a customer in the head while providing Moral Tutorial services in the alley out behind the Bank at the corner of Wealth and Bondage, but it was all a misunderstanding, and thankfully, I made a clean getaway. That was years ago, by the way, and besides it was in another state, and the man's wife is dead, and he had no heirs. Anyone is my line of work can't be too careful. Many of my clients are criminals who have made good and want to do good. This guy was ok, but how was I to know he was reaching for his asthma inhaler?

Jailbird Fundraising Toolkit

Raise bail! Help Jerry's Kids. Also, this:

Richmond, Va. – June 30, 2011 – Team ACP President and CEO Sylvester Clay is going to jail on July 20 and is getting locked up for good. There was no trial and no conviction. Not even an indictment. Although there was an arrest . . . of sorts.

Clay has done nothing wrong but gave himself up to the Central Virginia Muscular Dystrophy Association and will participate in its 2011 Innsbrook Lock-Up on Wednesday, July 20. The annual fundraiser for the local chapter of the MDA raises money by recruiting volunteers who turn themselves in and go to jail “for good.” But “for good” doesn’t mean indefinitely. The “prisoners” arrange their release through “bail” money raised by calling their contacts and business associates. “Bail” also is raised in advance through personalized web pages and other online tools.

Seems like a great co-branding opportunity for Wackenhutt Corrections.

$100 ATM Receipt Discovered in the Hamptons - All my Fault!

I feel very bad about this. One of my clients, after our Philanthropy Scene in Wealth Bondage (he played an Emperoror and I was his slave riding behind him in his chariot, saying, Remember Caesar thou art mortal, as he strewed candy and nuts to the adoring crowd of three thousand hired extras) was too drunk afterward to pay his bill here. He was short about $500 to tip the charioteer and the grooms. So my client had me run round to the ATM and make a withrdawal for him. I stupidly left the receipt hanging out of the machine, and now it has come to this.

An ATM receipt showing a balance of nearly $100 million dollars was discovered at an East Hampton Village bank.

The first rule of Wealth Bondage is that Wealth Bondage does not exist. The second rule is what happens in Wealth Bondage stays in Wealth Bondage. Through my own fault, I have now brought Wealth Bondage into disrepute. I am sincerely sorry to our clients whose lives may have been disrupted by needless speculation and publicity. The real problem in this country is the illegal immigrants. And the gays. Let's return to fighting over what really matters. We are broke. That is why unions must be broken. We are broke. That is why your Social Security benefits are now called "entitlements." We are broke. Athens. Madison, WI. London. All over the world. Riots in the streets at what 20 Years of Wealth Bondage has done to destroy the social fabric, subvert public goods, brankrupt the state, and move more and more money into fewer and fewer hands.  We would like to help you but we the wealthy, dont you know,  we are broke.

Improving the Exteriors of the Yatch Club Building for the Benefit of the General Public


NY Yatch Club:

The flag officers and trustees are pleased to announce the formation of the New York Yacht Club Foundation, a 501(c)(3) organization that can receive gifts and bequests for the preservation of the Club’s historic buildings in New York and Newport. Contributions to the Foundation may be deductible from Federal income, gift and estate taxes under the Internal Revenue Code...The Club hopes to receive contributions from Club members, the public, charities and corporations for improvements to the exteriors of buildings that can be viewed and appreciated by the public.

So that you, and your heirs for generations to come, can view and appreciate the exteriors of the Yatcht Club buildings, please give whatever you can. From my Dumpster, on a clear day, when I am sober, I can see the tips of the tall masts. That alone is enough for me. To one day view and appreciate the exterior of the buildings is my personal dream.  I don't believe, though, that my crutches will carry me that far. Still, it is a noble dream. I do have a Sailor Cap,

The Judge and the Thief


This scene from Jean Genet's, The Balcony, provided courtesy of The Wealth Bondage Private Client Services Group: Big Meaning for Big Money. We are Trusted Advisors and Serving Professionals assisting Persons of Substance in Every Sense of that Word.  Revolution or Counter-Revolution? Or business as usual? We enact philanthropic strategies to accomplish your highest aspirations, or lowest. You tell us, Judge; or, are you the Virgin Mary tonight? Your payment is appreciated before professional services are rendered. Your complete satisfaction or your money will be cheerfully refunded. (Refunds are net of normal recostuming fees.) Tell me your story! Your Moral Biography is my meaning for living.  Your legacy is my  life. What is the world we want? You be Bo-Peep and I'll be your sheep. Who am I? Whatever you want, Boss. Philanthropy means love. So, Your Honor, let's make a deal.